Are you judging?

 

About a month ago I took my mom to a 3 month follow up appointment with the eye doctor who performed her cataract surgery.  The area we live in is pretty rural so it’s a long drive to these appointments.  It's 200 miles round trip to be exact which feels even longer than usual when driving in a car with an air conditioner on the fritz.  To top it all off, I would have to wait in the car because of social distancing restrictions due to the COVID-19 virus.  I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the trip since this was our third time making this trip in three weeks. 

Once we arrived at the center, I pulled into the parking lot to drop mom off at the front door.  There was a vehicle just parked in the drop off area, no driver waiting, just a parked vehicle.  I, of course, start complaining about people parking where they’re not supposed to and the inconvenience it causes me because I should be able to drop my mom off right at the door without having to maneuver around some incorrectly, inconsiderately parked vehicle.

Mom goes inside for her appointment, I find a parking spot nearby where I can see the door to pick her up when she’s done, and decide to take my mind off the bad mood I was in by finding something uplifting and spiritual to read or listen too.  A few minutes later I see a person exit the building and approach the offensively parked car.  As I’m sitting there trying to decide whether to give them the “how stupid are you” glare as they leave, I see an aide from the surgical center pushing an elderly lady in a wheelchair toward the vehicle.  And then, slowly, the realization of what I’m seeing washes over me and I feel absolutely awful.

The woman in the wheelchair had just had surgery, the driver of the car had only just moved it there not long before we arrived and there had probably been other cars in the pick-up area keeping them from pulling all the way up, then they went in and got the discharge instructions and belongings of the patient.  So, I’m sitting there watching them load up, calling myself a “hateful, horrible, awful person”, and God, in that very gentle way He does, shows me that this is one of the reasons why he tells us not to judge others.

We hear all the time that we shouldn’t judge others because we don’t know what’s going on in their hearts and what work God may be doing with them.  It is a very true, very valid argument for not judging, but what if there’s more to it than that?  What if the reason God tells us not to judge others is because of what it does to us?

Multiple studies published in multiple psychological journals talk about the psychological and physical effects of we experience when we judge others.  The more we judge, the more we start to experience anxiety and depression because we start to believe that others are judging us the same way we are judging them and eventually we turn our judgement on ourselves.

Judging others can also desensitize us making us less accepting of others and give us an incorrect perception of reality.  In an article in Psychology Today from 2015, Rubin Khoddam, Ph.D. explains, “The truth is that we, as humans, tend to fuse with our judgments and perceive them as reality.” He goes on to explain, “So often, what happens in arguments is that we fuse with our opinions.  We fuse, meaning that we can’t tell the difference between what our opinion is and what the reality is.  And in the end our perception becomes our reality.  We end up believing our thoughts/judgments and take our thoughts as facts.  We believe that person is horrible.  We believe the furniture is ugly.  We believe the movie was awful.  Instead of seeing our multitude of judgments as a perception or as a lens we put on situations, we see if as truth.  By doing this we subliminally create a separation and lack of acceptance of other’s beliefs.”

The bottom line is, when we judge someone it stirs powerful negative emotions in us, whether it is anger, cynicism, envy, anxiety, depression, or mistrust, those negative emotions are some of the most powerful tools Satan has at his disposal to build distance between us and God.  And, the more we engage those negative emotions, the easier it is to default to them and widen the gap between us and God.

Scripture tells us often to love one another.  John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give unto you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if you have love one to another.”  And in Romans 13:8-10, “Owe no man any things, but to love one another, for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.  For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is bfiefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself.  Love worketh no ill to his neighbor, therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.” 

We’re also told to go forth and share the gospel and make disciples.  It’s really hard to do those things if we’re failing to love each other, distancing ourselves from people by judging them, and distancing ourselves from God by engaging in the negative emotions associated with judging and doing that which he has told us repeatedly in scripture to not do.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  So if I feel that the world has become overly judgmental and unaccepting I guess that means I need to take an honest look at myself to see what I can change before I start looking to change others.  I know altering my pattern of judging others isn’t going to be easy; being judgmental is pretty much my default setting.  Hopefully with a whole lot of prayer and self-control I can overcome my “hateful, horrible, awful” self and find a kinder, gentler, less judgmental me, and then perhaps work on changing the world, one positive thought at a time.

Are You Listening?

It’s been 6 years since the last time I wrote a blog post.  Life just got very…life-y.  I’ve been feeling the push to start writing again for a while and kept putting it off.  The other day I realized I can’t put it off anymore.  The idea for this post started forming and hasn’t really left my thoughts.  I started writing last night, sitting on my bead, furiously writing my thoughts down in a spiral notebook, the targeted light of a goose-neck desk lamp over my shoulder.  Unfortunately what I ended up with was more of a passive aggressive venting of all my frustrations with people over the whole COVID-19 virus situation.  I was so exhausted by the time I got everything out about that I didn’t write anything about my feelings about everything else going on in the world.  Of course, since this blog is supposed to be about my spiritual journey and my relationship with God and Jesus and not my opinion on the state of the world, I cannot use 99% of what I wrote last night, but I do feel better for having vented.

I woke up a couple mornings ago feeling overwhelmingly sad.  It was such a strong feeling that I didn’t even want to get out of bed.  There was no reason for it that I could easily identify and I was looking forward to doing what I had planned that day so feeling that sad made no sense to me.  As I lay there trying to motivate myself to get up and get going, I realized the sadness was for the world in general and the United States of America specifically.  There are so many huge issues we’re facing in this country right now and the country feels more divided that it has in my lifetime. 

Each new major issue that arises seems to make the division grow wider and deeper and with twisted, biased information coming from politicians, mainstream media, and individuals on social media, It feels like there are a thousand voices screaming “Pick Me!” at me constantly.  I’ve reached a point where I’m just over saturated with information from all sides of every issue and I don’t want to hear about any of it anymore.

So, I eventually drag myself out of bed and head to my sister’s house for our Bible Study group.  We’re between actual studies and waiting on getting the books for the next study we’re doing so this week we watched “War Room”.  And, as He so often does, God started giving me “little clues” to my situation.  I came away from the movie with two scriptures running through my mind.

John 10:10 KJV (the first half of the scripture):  The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy:

1 Peter 5:8 KJV:  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

I’ve also been listening to podcasts of sermons from Passion City Church, most of them by Louie Giglio and, surprise, surprise, each of the 5 sermons in the series has the word roar in the title and talks about roaring.  I was reminded that in Revelation 5:5, Jesus is referred to as The Lion of Judah so I decide clearly God is giving me a lion theme here. 

I start pulling the pieces together and doing a little research on lions and their roars and I find some fun facts like a lion’s roar can be heard from 5 miles away, they roar to frighten off enemies who are encroaching on their territory and warn others in their pride of danger.  The lion’s roar measures 114 decibels.  To help put that into perspective, your washing machine or dishwasher measures 70 decibels, a motorcycle measures 95 decibels, most sporting events measure 100 decibels (unless you’re at a Utah Jazz home game where the noise from fans has been measured as high as 109 decibels), and rock concerts typically measure in between 105 and 110 decibels. 

One thing started to bother me as I was pulling everything together.  The scripture in Revelation calls Jesus the Lion of Judah but the 1 Peter scripture describes the devil as a lion.  They can’t both be lions, right?  I suppose they could be, it worked for Disney in “The Lion King”, but this isn’t Disney, this is God we’re talking about.  Then I saw it, that one little word in the middle of the 1 Peter scripture that explained it all, “as”.  The scripture doesn’t say that the devil is a lion, it says that he is like a lion.  The devil is a liar, a counterfeiter, a manipulator, and will do everything he can to make it seem like he is a lion.  He will use a million voices to try and confuse us and pull us in all different directions.  He will use the noise from those voices to make it seem like he has a mighty roar to try and drown out the voice of Jesus.  But, Jesus IS the Lion and the roar of the Lion of Judah drowns out all other noises, all other voices.  His roar claims us as His, frightens away our enemies and warns us of danger. 

I found a quote that I think helps further explain my point. 

“Among the hordes of animals that roam the wild, whether the jungle, the mountains or the plain, the lion is universally recognized to be their chief. The living embodiment of self-possessed power, he is the most regal in manner and deportment, the mightiest, the foremost with respect to speed, courage and dominion. The expression of the lion's supremacy is its roar — a roar which reduces to silence the cries, howls, bellows, shrieks, barks and growls of lesser creatures. When the lion steps forth from his den and sounds his roar, all the other animals stop and listen. On such an occasion none dares even to sound its own cry, let alone to come into the open and challenge the fearless, un-surpassable roar of the golden-maned king of beasts.” – Bhikkhu Bodhi

One other fun fact about the roar of a lion, male lions use a much softer roar when playing with their young.  It therefore makes perfect sense to me that contained within the roar of The Lion of Judah is the gentle guiding voice of our shepherd.  In John chapter 10, Jesus talks about the Good Shepherd and in verse 27 he says, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” 

The long and short of it is, His roar will silence all the other voices bombarding me so that I can listen to the only voice that matters, the voice of my Shepherd, my Redeemer, my friend…Jesus.

Oh! There you are Peter!

“Oh! There you are Peter!” is my absolute favorite line from the 1991 classic movie, “Hook”. The scene makes me bawl every time I watch it and sometimes it even makes me cry just thinking about it. A grown up Peter Pan returns to Neverland to find his kids, who have been kidnapped by that dastardly Captain Hook Tinkerbell takes Peter to the Lost Boys, who don't believe that this old man is really Peter Pan and, truth be told Peter doesn't believe it either. The youngest of the Lost Boys walks up to Peter, tugs his shirt to pull him down to eye level, then starts pushing on Peter's face to pull back the years of worry lines and wrinkles. He stops suddenly, takes his hands away, smiles and says, “Oh! There you are Peter!” and all the rest of the Lost Boys crowd around to see.

Anyone who's known me for a while knows that in the last decade or so I've really let myself go. I mean really let myself go. I rarely wear make-up anymore, I don't actually “do” my hair just run a brush through it before I run out the door, I don't care about the clothes I wear, and, I'm scared that if I don't start doing something to get myself to a healthy weight, I won't get a chance before my body gives out. I look at myself and I wonder, “What am I doing? Why have I let this go on as long as I have?” And, I beat myself up over it telling myself absolutely horrible things about myself, things I wouldn't even say about someone I really don't even like, but I still do nothing to change so all I end up doing is perpetuating the cycle of defeat and self-depreciation. Well, that's what I did up until a few weeks ago when I had my own “Hook” moment as I was getting ready for a job interview, actually putting on make up, doing my hair and then looking in the mirror and having the thought, “Oh! There I am!”

I realize that this is a battle and that so far, I have been losing. I am fighting for my life, for my mental health, and ultimately for my soul, because I know that God has placed a calling on my life and if I continue listening to the enemy, thinking self-depreciating thoughts and feeling defeated, I will never do the work God has for me to do. I realize that regrouping, focusing and fighting the good fight is not going to be easy, but it must be done and I think the best way to start is to remind myself who I am.

1 – I am a child of God! John 1:12 (KJV) But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: 1 John 3:1 (KJV) Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.

2 – I am created in God's image! Genesis 1:26 – 27 (KVJ) And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

3 – I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:14 (KVJ) I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert on scripture or theology. I've never been to bible college, I haven't studied ancient scripture, Hebrew, Greek, or other ancient languages. I just use my handy-dandy online study bible that has Hebrew and Greek definitions for certain words available. But, I do not think it's any coincidence that one of the names for God in the bible, Yahweh, is so very, very close to the word used for “fearfully” in Psalm 139:14 (above), yaw-ray. Call me crazy, but I think it might be like a little clue!

The bottom line is this: If God created us in his own image, what right does that give us to criticize the appearance of anyone – INCLUDING OURSELVES?!? And, if as it states in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, our bodies are temples in which the Holy Spirit, who God has given us, dwells, then what right do we have to not take care of them whether it be through physical abuse, substance abuse, neglecting our physical well being or excessively obsessing over our physical appearance?!?

I know it's not always going to be easy. I know there will be days that I feel like giving up and days that I don't feel like caring. But, I know that it is necessary, I know that the time for making this change is now. And, I also know that there is no better time to take the words in Philippians 4:13 (KVJ) to heart, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

The Only Thing We Have To Fear...

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. I spent most of the first half of the day in tears. I was just fine when I first woke up then, not even an hour later, as I sat in my room to start getting ready for church, I just lost it. I started crying, pouring my frustrations out to God. Letting Him know that I'm tired of everything having to be such a fight, that I'm weary from being continually surrounded by negativity. I asked Him why everything always has to be so hard and told Him that I just can't do this anymore. At one point I even referenced scripture at Him and said, “You said that your yoke is easy, that your burden is light, but there is absolutely nothing easy or light about this!” (Matthew 11:28-30 KJV says: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.)

As I sat there frantically ranting about my frustrations the gentle voice of the Lord spoke to me (as I've said before, I know it wasn't just me giving myself a pep talk because I'm not that nice in my thoughts to or about myself) and said “Quit putting on the yoke and trying to pull it yourself. Let me help you.” (Just in case you don't know, a yoke is the thing they put over a team of oxen to pull a wagon or plow.) Well, as you can imagine, at that point I just completely broke down and was crying so hard I couldn't even form a coherent thought let a lone a response. So, as I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, I heard that same gentle voice say a quote from my new favorite T.V. Show, Downton Abbey from my favorite character, Mr. Carson (and that's all I'm going to say about the episode because my sister has just started watching and if I say anything more it will be a big ol' spoiler), “You have a good cry. That's what's needed now. And when you're ready, you can get to work because you are strong enough. You are strong enough for the task.”

I pulled myself together and go ready for church and then saw the two scripture stickers I have on the cover of my laptop. Isaiah 40:31 KJV “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” and, Isaiah 41:13 KJV “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” Feeling better, I was able to finish getting ready and head out the door to church.

Of course, the enemy couldn't let that be the end of it. He wormed his way in there with all the doubts and questions. All the “what if's” that don't solve anything and just lead to more panic. So, by the time we got to the handshaking break in the service I was falling apart again. (Sorry Cori if I freaked you out when you came over to give me a hug.) I was standing there trying, in between handshakes or hugs with others, to explain to mom just how I was feeling and what was getting to me and getting more frustrated because I just couldn't find the right words. I sat down crying, again, and at that point a dear friend of ours came over, hugged me and started singing, “I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a squeeze around the neck.” a song that my Great-Grandma Leone and my daddy used to sing to me and a wave of comfort and absolute peace washed over me. (When I told our friend later how much that song means to me, she said she had no idea she'd even been singing.) The songs that we sang for Praise and Worship were so spot on with where I was at and what I was feeling that I cannot believe that it was just a coincidence that they were the songs selected especially the song “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Hillsong United that says in the second verse, “Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You've never failed and You won't start now.”

By this point I felt much better. I was calmer, the flood of tears had subsided. The speaker, a visiting missionary got up and gave us the scripture 2 Timothy 2:3 KJV “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.” This resulted in my remembering a scripture from my absolute favorite book in the bible, James 1:2-3 KVJ “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” And, by the time church was over, I knew without a doubt, everything would be ok.

I woke up this morning, feeling good and then, right on schedule, the tentacles of fear started creeping in again. This time though, they immediately subsided. I knew then that I had to fire up the ol' blog and share my experience from yesterday. I had to share how amazing it is that God would find so many ways to provide comfort and reassurance to me when there are so many huge things going on out in the world. I know that everything will work out, I know that God has our situation in the palm of His hand and will see us through it. I still don't know how it's all going to be ok, I don't know where the rent that we're now past due on is going to come from. I don't know if next week I'll be writing the blog from the comfort of our living room or a van down by the river. And, because I am imperfect and only human, the fear of the unknown is still lingering a little, the “what if's” still spring up, but are quickly cast aside by my knowledge that God is bigger than all the “what if's”. God is bigger than any problem I face. God has shown me that he is aware of our situation and I know that He has a plan for us.

So, as I sit here trying to figure out the perfect way to end this post the only thing I can think of to do is once again turn to the scriptures and let God's word have the final say because it just can't get any more perfect than that. 2 Timothy 1:7 KVJ “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Are you afraid?

For as long as I can remember I have loved looking at the moon. There is just something about it that I find quite comforting. It wasn't always that way though. There was a time, when I was really, really young, before I can remember, that I was terrified of the moon. According to my mom, my dad decided to tell me about the man in the moon and it freaked me out to the point where I would throw a fit about going outside after dark. Eventually (and this is another moment I hope is recorded on heavenly DVR) during a visit with my Grandparents, my Granddaddy took me outside one night and talked to me. I have no memory of what he did or what he said but I haven't been afraid of the moon since.

As I was searching the internet looking for stories about facing or overcoming fear, I found one that really says it all just perfectly. The title is “Without Fear”. I'm not sure if it's a fable or if it's actually true, I found it on several websites but none of them had an author's name with the story:

During the civil wars in feudal Japan, an invading army would quickly sweep into a town and take control. In one particular village, everyone fled just before the army arrived - everyone except the Zen master. Curious about this old fellow, the general went to the temple to see for himself what kind of man this master was. When he wasn't treated with the deference and submissiveness to which he was accustomed, the general burst into anger. "You fool," he shouted as he reached for his sword, "don't you realize you are standing before a man who could run you through without blinking an eye!" But despite the threat, the master seemed unmoved. "And do you realize," the master replied calmly, "that you are standing before a man who can be run through without blinking an eye?"

Throughout my life I have had to face fear many times and it many different ways and, honestly, I think most of the time the fear won. Every time I backed down from standing up for something I strongly believed because I was afraid, every time I compromised my values and got involved with friends and boyfriends who lived lifestyles I knew weren't right for me but I was afraid of ending up alone, every time I let fear of making the wrong or unpopular choice paralyze me to the point where I ended up making no choice at all, it became very easy to excuse away and justify sinning. And that is exactly what the enemy wants. If he can't lead us down the path of sin like some sort of evil pied piper, then he wants us to be afraid. Afraid of the people in our lives who truly do love us, afraid of what we'll do if left to our own devices and, most of all, afraid of God because of what we think will happen because of our sin. God, however, tells us straight out in 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

I think fear is probably the best tool and the biggest lie in Satan's arsenal. Maybe that's why God tells us so many times in the bible that we should not be afraid. I was taught that if God says something once in the bible we need to pay attention, if he says it again it's extremely important, and if he says it a third time it might as well be carved in stone with the ten commandments. In the bible God uses the phrase “Do Not Be Afraid” approximately 160 times, the phrase “Do Not Fear” approximately 264 times and the phrase “Fear Not” approximately 446 times. (I'm sure the numbers may vary slightly depending on the version.) That's 870 times God is telling us we don't have any reason to be afraid, I think he probably means it.

I'd love to be able to say that I know without a doubt that I will never, ever be afraid again, that I'll be like that Zen master and calmly face any fear and not blink an eye but I am human. But, one thing I know for certain, just like my Granddaddy did all those years ago, God will always take me by the hand, comfort me when I'm afraid, help me face my fears and probably even turn them into something awesome.

Are you asking?

My sister has a philosophy that she has lived by for as long a she has been able to talk. She says, “It never hurts to ask, the worst they can do is say 'no'”. I think I've mostly made my peace with it now and I have accepted that it's who she is and I don't have to tell her “yes”, but for the longest time it would drive me absolutely crazy. Not only because I was too shy, too withdrawn to even think about asking, but also because most of the time she would dicker and bargain so that even if she was told “no” to begin with, she would still come out with what she wanted. (She inherited her negotiating skills from our Grandaddy and since he's no longer with us, I would definitely take her along if I'm ever in the market to purchase a car....or just about anything else.)

My favorite book in the bible is the Book of James. In fact, James, is probably one of my favorite people in the bible. I think he's absolutely fascinating. Just think about it. He's the brother of Jesus – yes, I know technically they are “half” brothers but just ask me and my “half” sister how little value that “half” designation has in our relationship. Honestly, I'm really hoping God has an awesome DVR type system because there are many moments in history I would love to get the chance to see, but the one I think I really want to see most is the one described in 1 Corinthians 15:7 (KJV) - After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. I have tried many times to imagine what this scene would be like and I know that everything I come up with probably pales in comparison to what actually happened.

James was also the head of the brand new Christian church in Jerusalem. Just think of the overwhelming responsibility that position would have. Plus, James pretty much just tells it like it is. He doesn't worry about hurting anybody's feelings. I've heard the Book of James described as a spiritual tornado. I think that's a pretty good description. Half the time when I read it I feel guilty over things I think I should be doing but am not or things I shouldn't be doing but am. The other half of the time feel like I want to throw up my hands and shout “Hallelujah!! Thank you Lord!” (What's really scary are those occasions when I feel like doing both at the same time.)

One of my favorite scriptures in James is 1:5-6 (KJV) - 5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. (FYI – just in case you're wondering “upbraid” means to “find fault with or reproach severely”) Pretty amazing to know that God isn't going to get irritated with you or call you stupid if you ask Him a question and believe that He really will give you the answer.  But, James doesn't leave it at that, he tells us that it's our own fault if we don't have because we didn't ask.  James 4:2 (NIV) says: You desire but do not have, so you kill.  You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

 There have been many, many, many questions I've asked God before that He hasn't seemed to answer. When I look back on those questions I see that either I didn't really think He would take the time to answer or I didn't really want the answer I was pretty sure He was going to give and I can't say that I blame Him for not answering, since I wasn't even willing to listen.   There have also been times when I have asked a question and really wanted to know the answer and really believed that God would give me the answer and He did. He's given me answers that have blown me away, answers that have reassured me during difficult times, and answers that have more firmly grounded my faith and strengthened my relationship with Him.

Maybe as I move forward on my spiritual path and continue building my relationship with God it wouldn't hurt to adopt a little of my sister's philosophy. After all, according to James, as long as I'm asking with unwavering faith, it really doesn't hurt to ask.

Are you a sheep or a goat?

There are days, as I'm driving to work, that I can just tell it's going to be a difficult day. I don't know if it's because of my mood or if I can sense that there is already a “disturbance in the force”, most likely it's God giving me a little nudge and saying, “Hey, you need to be ready, today's going to be a tough one.” It is on those days that instead of listening to regular music, or KLOVE on the radio, I find myself tuned in to Catholic radio. At 7:00 a.m., Monday through Saturday, they broadcast Daily Mass, live from a chapel in Irondale, AL. Most days I'm able to time it just perfectly, when I'm at the tallest point on 3 mile bridge, the sun is coming up over the bay, sometimes there are rays of sunlight shining through the clouds, then the introduction to the broadcast begins. A choir begins singing, “Aaaaa...aaaa.aaaaa..aaaa” and a voice comes on speaking as Christ during the last supper. It is one of those moments when I just want to throw my hands in the air and say, “Thank you God!!! Thank you Jesus!!!” Then, as I finish the drive across the bridge and up the hill to the hospital, the bells are ringing and the organ starts playing and scriptures are being read and I'm singing along with the Kyrie, (Thank you Mr. H and Woods Cross High School Concert Choir!) I feel my well being filled and I know that no matter how bad the day is, I can do all things through Christ!

It was on one of these mornings that the priest was reading from the Gospel of Matthew. He read from verse 31 to the end of the chapter but for the sake of space and attention spans I'm only including the text for Matthew 25: 31-34, 41 and 46 (KJV). 31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: 32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: 33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: 46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

I decided I needed to explore the question, “Are you a sheep or a goat?”
Looking into the differences between sheep and goats seemed like the most obvious place to start. Of course there are plenty of physical differences but what struck me the most were the behavioral differences. Goats are more curious, inquisitive and independent. Sheep have a flock mentality and one sheep will become agitated if separated from the flock. But, because they have this flock mentality, they have a better defense against predators. Rams (male sheep) are able to dominate bucks (or billys – male goats) because in a fight, the buck will rear up before charging and the ram will just tuck its head and charge. So, while the buck is still preparing to charge the ram is knocking the wind out of it with a direct hit to it's abdomen. One of the sites I looked at had a great quote from a woman named Paula, “Sheep are very territorial and have even killed skunks, raccoons, and fought off fox, coyotes. I would have to think by far as a flock sheep are smarter the goats. Goats will be so in to everything they will hurt them selves. I have seep a goat get its head stuck and snap its own neck.” Then there's the whole voice recognition thing. In the reading I did on sheep and goats, I never once found anything about a goat being able to recognize the voice of the goatherd but sheep are able to recognize the voice of their shepherd.
A few days ago I was listening to a podcast from Passion City Church. The speaker was talking about why Ted Turner (you know, Mr. TNT, TBS, CNN) decided to be an atheist. I had to look into the details of this myself because there was something I could identify with in his story. Sure enough, Ted Turner decided years and years ago to become atheist after his sister died from Lupus. The reason I identify with this? Although I didn't decide God didn't exist after the death of my father 14 years ago, I did decide to turn my back on Him and turned to a life of drinking, drugs and men to try and fill the void. I hurt everyone I love and did monumental damage to my relationships with those closest to me. I made choices and did things that could have and should have resulted in the loss of my freedom and even my life.
What it all boils down to is this, I've tried living the life of a goat, being curious, inquisitive and independent and it very nearly ruined everything. I am so very thankful that God is merciful and forgiving and that I have been given the chance to rebuild relationships and live a good life. I know that the phrase “sheep mentality” has a very negative stigma attached to it but I choose to look at it differently. Living the life of a goat, a life of sin, I never knew who I could trust and never knew who liked me just for being me, always felt insecure and alone and I know I never gave security and unconditional friendship to anyone else. Living the life of a sheep, as part of a flock, I know who my friends are, I know I am loved and that with God in my life I am never, ever alone. Honestly, my very worst day living the life of a sheep and following Christ, is far and away better than my very best day living the life of a goat.
To add just a bit of a personal touch to the end of the scripture Joshua 24:15, “as for me and my house, we will be sheep.” (Oh and just so you know, Ted Turner rejoined the flock back in 2008 and apologized for the anti-Christian/anti-religion statements he'd made in the past.)