I had a bit of a
meltdown yesterday. I spent most of the first half of the day in
tears. I was just fine when I first woke up then, not even an hour
later, as I sat in my room to start getting ready for church, I just
lost it. I started crying, pouring my frustrations out to God.
Letting Him know that I'm tired of everything having to be such a
fight, that I'm weary from being continually surrounded by
negativity. I asked Him why everything always has to be so hard and
told Him that I just can't do this anymore. At one point I even
referenced scripture at Him and said, “You said that your yoke is
easy, that your burden is light, but there is absolutely
nothing easy or light about this!” (Matthew 11:28-30 KJV says:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give
you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and
lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke
is easy, and my burden is light.)
As
I sat there frantically ranting about my frustrations the gentle
voice of the Lord spoke to me (as I've said before, I know it wasn't
just me giving myself a pep talk because I'm not that nice in my
thoughts to or about myself) and said “Quit putting on the yoke and
trying to pull it yourself. Let me help you.” (Just in case you
don't know, a yoke is the thing they put over a team
of oxen to pull a wagon or plow.)
Well, as you can imagine, at that point I just completely broke down
and was crying so hard I couldn't even form a coherent thought let a
lone a response. So, as I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, I heard
that same gentle voice say a quote from my new favorite T.V. Show,
Downton Abbey from my favorite character, Mr. Carson (and that's all
I'm going to say about the episode because my sister has just started
watching and if I say anything more it will be a big ol' spoiler),
“You have a good cry. That's what's needed now. And when you're
ready, you can get to work because you are strong enough. You are
strong enough for the task.”
I
pulled myself together and go ready for church and then saw the two
scripture stickers I have on the cover of my laptop. Isaiah 40:31
KJV “But
they that wait upon the Lord
shall
renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they
shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
and, Isaiah 41:13 KJV “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right
hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” Feeling
better, I was able to finish getting ready and head out the door to
church.
Of
course, the enemy couldn't let that be the end of it. He wormed his
way in there with all the doubts and questions. All the “what
if's” that don't solve anything and just lead to more panic. So,
by the time we got to the handshaking break in the service I was
falling apart again. (Sorry Cori if I freaked you out when you came
over to give me a hug.) I was standing there trying, in between
handshakes or hugs with others, to explain to mom just how I was
feeling and what was getting to me and getting more frustrated
because I just couldn't find the right words. I sat down crying,
again, and at that point a dear friend of ours came over, hugged me
and started singing, “I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and
a peck and a squeeze around the neck.” a song that my Great-Grandma
Leone and my daddy used to sing to me and a wave of comfort and
absolute peace washed over me. (When I told our friend later how
much that song means to me, she said she had no idea she'd even been
singing.) The songs that we sang for Praise and Worship were so
spot on with where I was at and what I was feeling that I cannot
believe that it was just a coincidence that they were the songs
selected especially the song “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by
Hillsong United that says in the second verse, “Your grace abounds
in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet
may fail and fear surrounds me. You've never failed and You won't
start now.”
By
this point I felt much better. I was calmer, the flood of tears had
subsided. The speaker, a visiting missionary got up and gave us the
scripture 2 Timothy 2:3 KJV “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a
good soldier of Jesus Christ.” This resulted in my remembering a
scripture from my absolute favorite book in the bible, James 1:2-3
KVJ “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers
temptations;
Knowing
this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” And, by the
time church was over, I knew without a doubt, everything would be ok.
I
woke up this morning, feeling good and then, right on schedule, the
tentacles of fear started creeping in again. This time though, they
immediately subsided. I knew then that I had to fire up the ol' blog
and share my experience from yesterday. I had to share how amazing
it is that God would find so many ways to provide comfort and
reassurance to me when there are so many huge things going on out in
the world. I know that everything will work out, I know that God has
our situation in the palm of His hand and will see us through it. I
still don't know how it's all going to be ok, I don't know where the
rent that we're now past due on is going to come from. I don't know
if next week I'll be writing the blog from the comfort of our living
room or a van down by the river. And, because I am imperfect and
only human, the fear of the unknown is still lingering a little, the
“what if's” still spring up, but are quickly cast aside by my
knowledge that God is bigger than all the “what if's”. God is
bigger than any problem I face. God has shown me that he is aware of
our situation and I know that He has a plan for us.
So,
as I sit here trying to figure out the perfect way to end this post
the only thing I can think of to do is once again turn to the
scriptures and let God's word have the final say because it just
can't get any more perfect than that. 2 Timothy 1:7 KVJ “For
God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love,
and of a sound mind.”
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