Oh! There you are Peter!

“Oh! There you are Peter!” is my absolute favorite line from the 1991 classic movie, “Hook”. The scene makes me bawl every time I watch it and sometimes it even makes me cry just thinking about it. A grown up Peter Pan returns to Neverland to find his kids, who have been kidnapped by that dastardly Captain Hook Tinkerbell takes Peter to the Lost Boys, who don't believe that this old man is really Peter Pan and, truth be told Peter doesn't believe it either. The youngest of the Lost Boys walks up to Peter, tugs his shirt to pull him down to eye level, then starts pushing on Peter's face to pull back the years of worry lines and wrinkles. He stops suddenly, takes his hands away, smiles and says, “Oh! There you are Peter!” and all the rest of the Lost Boys crowd around to see.

Anyone who's known me for a while knows that in the last decade or so I've really let myself go. I mean really let myself go. I rarely wear make-up anymore, I don't actually “do” my hair just run a brush through it before I run out the door, I don't care about the clothes I wear, and, I'm scared that if I don't start doing something to get myself to a healthy weight, I won't get a chance before my body gives out. I look at myself and I wonder, “What am I doing? Why have I let this go on as long as I have?” And, I beat myself up over it telling myself absolutely horrible things about myself, things I wouldn't even say about someone I really don't even like, but I still do nothing to change so all I end up doing is perpetuating the cycle of defeat and self-depreciation. Well, that's what I did up until a few weeks ago when I had my own “Hook” moment as I was getting ready for a job interview, actually putting on make up, doing my hair and then looking in the mirror and having the thought, “Oh! There I am!”

I realize that this is a battle and that so far, I have been losing. I am fighting for my life, for my mental health, and ultimately for my soul, because I know that God has placed a calling on my life and if I continue listening to the enemy, thinking self-depreciating thoughts and feeling defeated, I will never do the work God has for me to do. I realize that regrouping, focusing and fighting the good fight is not going to be easy, but it must be done and I think the best way to start is to remind myself who I am.

1 – I am a child of God! John 1:12 (KJV) But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: 1 John 3:1 (KJV) Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.

2 – I am created in God's image! Genesis 1:26 – 27 (KVJ) And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

3 – I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:14 (KVJ) I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert on scripture or theology. I've never been to bible college, I haven't studied ancient scripture, Hebrew, Greek, or other ancient languages. I just use my handy-dandy online study bible that has Hebrew and Greek definitions for certain words available. But, I do not think it's any coincidence that one of the names for God in the bible, Yahweh, is so very, very close to the word used for “fearfully” in Psalm 139:14 (above), yaw-ray. Call me crazy, but I think it might be like a little clue!

The bottom line is this: If God created us in his own image, what right does that give us to criticize the appearance of anyone – INCLUDING OURSELVES?!? And, if as it states in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, our bodies are temples in which the Holy Spirit, who God has given us, dwells, then what right do we have to not take care of them whether it be through physical abuse, substance abuse, neglecting our physical well being or excessively obsessing over our physical appearance?!?

I know it's not always going to be easy. I know there will be days that I feel like giving up and days that I don't feel like caring. But, I know that it is necessary, I know that the time for making this change is now. And, I also know that there is no better time to take the words in Philippians 4:13 (KVJ) to heart, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

The Only Thing We Have To Fear...

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. I spent most of the first half of the day in tears. I was just fine when I first woke up then, not even an hour later, as I sat in my room to start getting ready for church, I just lost it. I started crying, pouring my frustrations out to God. Letting Him know that I'm tired of everything having to be such a fight, that I'm weary from being continually surrounded by negativity. I asked Him why everything always has to be so hard and told Him that I just can't do this anymore. At one point I even referenced scripture at Him and said, “You said that your yoke is easy, that your burden is light, but there is absolutely nothing easy or light about this!” (Matthew 11:28-30 KJV says: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.)

As I sat there frantically ranting about my frustrations the gentle voice of the Lord spoke to me (as I've said before, I know it wasn't just me giving myself a pep talk because I'm not that nice in my thoughts to or about myself) and said “Quit putting on the yoke and trying to pull it yourself. Let me help you.” (Just in case you don't know, a yoke is the thing they put over a team of oxen to pull a wagon or plow.) Well, as you can imagine, at that point I just completely broke down and was crying so hard I couldn't even form a coherent thought let a lone a response. So, as I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, I heard that same gentle voice say a quote from my new favorite T.V. Show, Downton Abbey from my favorite character, Mr. Carson (and that's all I'm going to say about the episode because my sister has just started watching and if I say anything more it will be a big ol' spoiler), “You have a good cry. That's what's needed now. And when you're ready, you can get to work because you are strong enough. You are strong enough for the task.”

I pulled myself together and go ready for church and then saw the two scripture stickers I have on the cover of my laptop. Isaiah 40:31 KJV “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” and, Isaiah 41:13 KJV “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” Feeling better, I was able to finish getting ready and head out the door to church.

Of course, the enemy couldn't let that be the end of it. He wormed his way in there with all the doubts and questions. All the “what if's” that don't solve anything and just lead to more panic. So, by the time we got to the handshaking break in the service I was falling apart again. (Sorry Cori if I freaked you out when you came over to give me a hug.) I was standing there trying, in between handshakes or hugs with others, to explain to mom just how I was feeling and what was getting to me and getting more frustrated because I just couldn't find the right words. I sat down crying, again, and at that point a dear friend of ours came over, hugged me and started singing, “I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a squeeze around the neck.” a song that my Great-Grandma Leone and my daddy used to sing to me and a wave of comfort and absolute peace washed over me. (When I told our friend later how much that song means to me, she said she had no idea she'd even been singing.) The songs that we sang for Praise and Worship were so spot on with where I was at and what I was feeling that I cannot believe that it was just a coincidence that they were the songs selected especially the song “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Hillsong United that says in the second verse, “Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You've never failed and You won't start now.”

By this point I felt much better. I was calmer, the flood of tears had subsided. The speaker, a visiting missionary got up and gave us the scripture 2 Timothy 2:3 KJV “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.” This resulted in my remembering a scripture from my absolute favorite book in the bible, James 1:2-3 KVJ “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” And, by the time church was over, I knew without a doubt, everything would be ok.

I woke up this morning, feeling good and then, right on schedule, the tentacles of fear started creeping in again. This time though, they immediately subsided. I knew then that I had to fire up the ol' blog and share my experience from yesterday. I had to share how amazing it is that God would find so many ways to provide comfort and reassurance to me when there are so many huge things going on out in the world. I know that everything will work out, I know that God has our situation in the palm of His hand and will see us through it. I still don't know how it's all going to be ok, I don't know where the rent that we're now past due on is going to come from. I don't know if next week I'll be writing the blog from the comfort of our living room or a van down by the river. And, because I am imperfect and only human, the fear of the unknown is still lingering a little, the “what if's” still spring up, but are quickly cast aside by my knowledge that God is bigger than all the “what if's”. God is bigger than any problem I face. God has shown me that he is aware of our situation and I know that He has a plan for us.

So, as I sit here trying to figure out the perfect way to end this post the only thing I can think of to do is once again turn to the scriptures and let God's word have the final say because it just can't get any more perfect than that. 2 Timothy 1:7 KVJ “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”